Denial

I am officially in a state of denial.  One week from today my baby girl should be turning two!!  I say, should be, because I am not allowing it.  There has been no party planned, no presents bought, no cake prepared.  If you know me at all, you know that I am not typically sentimental or sad about my kids birthdays.  Usually they pass with a normal amount of fanfare and celebration, but this birthday is different.  You see I never thought that I would make it to Olivia's 2nd birthday without another little bundle in my arms; or at least one in my belly!  When Olivia was 6 months old I found out that I was pregnant again.  At first I was really scared and wondered, "How am I going to do this?"  I was I going to have a 14 month old and a newborn.  It wasn't long though until I was excited at the idea of having my kids so close together.  We were going to have a lot of crazy fun!!

Most of you that read this know how the story goes.  On September 9th, 2010 I delivered my son, Andrew, at 16weeks.  After much grieving I knew that I wanted another baby and was praying that I would be pregnant again before Andrew's due date which was in February 2011.  My prayer was answered when I had a positive pregnancy test on New Year's Day 2011.  We were anxious but excited that we would still have our kiddos close in age.  Again the story turns south when we found out our precious Abigail was gone at 16 weeks.  She was delivered on March 31, 2011. 

At first I said that I needed the rest of the year to process and give my body a break, but as time went on that hole that was left in my heart was starting to ache.  I wanted another baby!!  Abigail's due date and Andrew's birthday passed.  Still not pregnant!!  And now, here I am at Olivia's birthday.  She is turning two and I never in a million years thought I would make it to this point and not be pregnant again.  I was pregnant three times in the first 14 months of Olivia's life ( I had one early miscarriage before Andrew when Olivia was 4 months old).  How could I not get pregnant in the last 8 months??  It seemed to easy before!

Rest assured that I know God has a plan for my life; it just doesn't look the way I thought it would.  I pray every day to wait patiently on His timing; fully aware that means I may never carry another child in my womb.  No matter how much I want to deny the upcoming birthday of my precious toddler, I know she is still turning two and I know that whatever God has in store for our family it will be good!!  He is the giver of all good gifts!