Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sorrow and Love Flow Mingled Down

Just trying to start this post has my heart beating out of my chest.  Never before in my life have I had to reconcile two feelings that were so opposite from each other.  The next three days are full of such love and sorrow.  Let's start with the feeling of love!! Tomorrow my first born will be 10 years old.  I almost can't believe it.  It seems like yesterday he was just a baby.  When I look at him now I see a young man that is smart, kind (most of the time), and sensitive to the Lord.  He is inquisitive and loves to laugh; he has his dad's sense of humor!!  The joy that he has brought to me and so many others is boundless.  I praise the Lord everyday for the gift of Isaiah.
Our first family picture!!

 Now to the sorrow.  Tomorrow also is another anniversary of sorts.  One year ago tomorrow I found out that my second son (fourth child) was no longer alive.  I went in for my 16 week check-up and the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat.  She assured me that everything was fine but sent me to have an ultrasound just to make sure.  My worse fears were realized when the ultrasound tech put the wand on my swollen belly.  There was no movement; nothing!!  I was all by myself at the doctor that day; seeing that this was my fourth pregnancy and everything had always been fine before.  They lead me back to a storage room where I could call Ryan in private.  I still hadn't really cried up to that point, but it's kind of hard to call your husband and say, "the baby has no heartbeat."  I drove home in silence.  I was sort of dreading seeing anyone else; I wasn't really prepared to deal with other peoples reactions yet.  When I got home the whole family was there waiting.  We had a party planned that night for Isaiah's birthday, so we decided to go ahead with the plan.  We were also supposed to leave for a beach vacation on Friday and this was Wednesday. 
After the party we put Olivia to bed and headed to the hospital for an induction ( the baby was too big for a D&C).  Within an hour of arriving at the hospital my small group was there along with the worship leader at our church.  We spent the next several hours laughing so hard and loud that I thought the hospital might kick us out.  Laughter was just what we needed!!
The induction took longer than we expected and Andrew David was delivered on Thursday night, September 9, 2010.  I left the hospital at 10am on Friday morning, went home and packed up the whole family (with the help of my mom and mother in law) and we set off for Hilton Head.  I do believe that I cried the whole way there.  Listening to praise music helped to start the healing process. 
Fast forward a few months and joy comes again!! On January 1, 2011, I found out I was pregnant again!  I couldn't have been happier.  I would be due on September 10th, just two days after Isaiah's birthday and the day after Andrew had been born.  But it wasn't long until sorrow came again.  Again, at 16 weeks, on March 28, 2011, I head into the doctor for a regular check-up.  This time Ryan came with me because of what happened last time.  We were in shock when the ultrasound tech put the wand on my belly and just looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. I think it's a girl"  The nightmare was repeating!!  My doctor couldn't believe it.  The nurse came in and just held me, crying!!  I was sent immediately for an amnio and other tests to see why this was happening again.   Since we weren't leaving on vacation we had a little time to plan the induction of this baby.  I went in on the night of March 30th and Abigail Grace was delivered on March 31, 2011. 
I have to say, as sad as this all is, it is amazing to see how perfectly God forms us in such a short period of time!!  Daily I must tell Him that I trust His plan; that I know He has my best interest at heart.  That is not easy to do.  I really, really want to have more children, and waiting is the hardest part.  My heart aches for my babies that I never got to raise.  Still I am thankful for what He has given me; three beautiful children to love here on earth and two precious babies waiting for me in heaven!!  My prayer for today is to count my blessings and pray that I will rest content in the plan God has for me, even though I do pray that plan includes more children!!

(Just a side note:  The song "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" has been playing over and over again in my mind for the past several weeks as I contemplated this post.  We sang it at church this past Sunday and I felt so loved and noticed by God.  I love it when He does things like that!!)


  1. I'm sitting here tears running down my face. Thank you for sharing your joys and struggles. Ever since I found out about your sweet baby Abigail going home to be with the Lord, you pop into my mind often. We will be praying for you to be blessed with more children!

  2. Shanna & Ryan,
    As Jenny B said, I have tears & "secretions" running down on my face. This date has been on my mind alot lately. So glad I was able to be there last year. Isaiah & Miss Em were so sad. They took the news like troopers. God's timing is amazing. Praying a special prayer for you both. Shan, I've always been proud of you..... Love you all!!.......... Mom, Therese & Granny 'T'

  3. Hi I am visiting from Kelly's link up I am so very sorry that you have walked this difficult path twice. I am crying to imagine it. Our Jonathan was born sleeping after they could not find his heartbeat at 20 weeks. He was born 1-24-12. I am so happy to see you still trusting the Lord in these sad circumstances. I am happy to have found you.

  4. Hi I am visiting from Kelly's link up I am so very sorry that you have walked this difficult path twice. My First and only daughter was born and passed 3 days later. I would love to invite you to link up at my blog. I am having a Baby Angel Momma's link up every wednesday. It is for Momma's to find comfort and encouragement.

    Many blessings to you...

  5. I am so sorry for the devastating loss you have endured. I have never seen anything like that last picture you shared. That perfectly formed precious hand brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you have a strong faith in the Lord and I hope He continues to give you comfort and peace.